What I wish I'd Known About Stepfamilies

What I’d wish I’d Known

I am the daughter of a blended family. We faced a lot of challenges! I thought we were a bad family because things were so hard. After class last week I've learned to recognize that all step families are extremely fragile. Here are some of the reasons:

·        Biological parents have a couple years of raising a child before discipline comes into the situation. They create those essential bonds in raising children.

·        Step parents are aliens in the home.

·        Children will be possessive of their biological parent, especially in a family with children of both parents in the home.

·        Parents have a hard time watching someone else discipline their children at first.

·        Step families are complicated. They’re full of subsystems and mixed boundaries.

Instead of trying to make a family perfect right off the bat, give yourself some time. It takes at least two years to establish any kind of normalcy in a blended family. Here are some tips to approaching a blended family.

·        The new couple should create a strong sense of unity and boundaries between them and all their children.

·        Parents cannot let children undermine either parent’s authority.

·        The stepparent should create a relationship with the children before trying to practice discipline.

·        They must create their own family structure, not try to imitate some sort of ideal.

·        The biological parent has to handle the heavy disciplining.

·        Step parent needs to take the role of an aunt or uncle. They need to be warm, caring, and supportive of their spouse’s decisions.

·        Parents have to conference together in disciplining the family. The disciplinary parents don’t decide alone. This supports organization and unity.

·        Don’t be afraid to see a counselor together.

·        Be patient, forgiving, understanding, patient, patient... and forgiving.

It's so nice to understand that step families have their own structure to follow. They don't have to be the typical American biological family. They can't be. Blended families can create great homes with time, patience, and forgiveness. It takes an open heart. You can do it.

Discipline & Children

Working with Children

Contact and belonging

-undue attention seeking

Negative attention isn't fulfilling, so they will likely keep doing it. 

misbehavior, annoying others, substance abuse.

For example: Nervous habits- A child is chewing on a shirt compulsively. After visiting the doctor because nothing the parents do works, they give the child a banana a day for a week. It solved the problem. He was actually in need of potassium he was getting from the detergent in his shirt. He didn't know that's whey he was doing it, but the positive solution replaced the problem. 

Tip:

Recognize the need behind the bad behavior, and give that need before the problem occurs.

Power Seeking

-mistaken approach to power seeking are rebellion, controlling others.The problem with these approaches is that they don't really satisfy the need for power.

-"wise parenting" (solutions)

• encourage responsibility- "response-ablility".
• Provide a sense of control in things you can let go of-such as the way they do their chores, or what chores to do.
• You don't give them stuff, you give them choices. Make them age and situation appropriate.
• They need to have consequences too. Allow them to face those consequences.

EX: a child wants a new bike, but family cant afford it. Dad gets a used bike and fixes it up for his kid. The child loved it, but mistreated it (left it outside, let it fall down, etc) The parent talks to the child about the natural consequences but the child doesn't take care of it. Parent uses an I statement. “I feel frustrated about the bike not being taken care of. I want you to enjoy it.”, then a natural consequence follows (dont do it if: they're too dangerous, too far off in the future, others are affected)

Tip:

Making things happen with teens & kids:

1. polite request
2. I messages.
3. Stronger-more firm statement.
4. Logical Consequence
   1. Doing something to mirror the logical consequences.
   2. Avoid punishments and rewards because they don't connect with and teach about natural consequences. 
      
      
      
      
       What have you done in your own family to discipline and teach children to do what is right?
      
      
      
      
      Resources
      
      
      You can learn about your parenting style and more about discipline and communication from
      http://www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz
      http://www.activeparenting.com/
      
      
      
      
       

Family, Work, and Money

Family

     We all effect each other in the home. Chores, sports, dating, church, money and so many other things can either bring us together or apart. Sports can build a child's athletic skills and communication, but it can keep them from church and family dinner. How do we balance the valuable resources? We prioritize.

Some things to consider in setting priorities:

• What is our family mission statement? 
• How do you work together to create closeness?
• Family dinner should be a priority.
• Consider your resources
• time
• money
• Allow individuals to set personal priorities as well as family priorities. 
• Consider the influence you want to have on each other. 
• Dad should be involved in the child's lives. Find time to spend time with children.
• Work can be a great tool in bringing the family together. It allows them to focus on each other.
• What other influences do you want to allow into your home?
• Consider the effects of media.
• Are the values they promote the same as yours? 

Work
Working together on chores can bring a family together. Throughout most of the history of the world, families have been working together to provide the necessities of life. They didn’t go to stores to buy cloth, shoes, food, etc. Families were more independent of society. The family structure was clear. A family who WORKS together, does everything together. A family who plays together, plays together. Play, imaginative play especially, always requires attention and focus. Work that requires less focus on the task itself can help them to focus on each other while getting the job done.

Money

Don't let money become something that sends mom to work, or kids to the mall all the time. Don't let it create a weak boundary of safety around your family. When a family budgets together, and aims to live within their means, they can work together. It can teach them self reliance, understanding, and most importantly self  management. Let children understand the value of a dollar. Teach them to prioritize their interests with family interests, such as a new sweater or a family vacation.

Resources

Ashton, Marvin J. (2006). One for the money [Pamphlet]. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

 Bahr, K. S., & Loveless, C. A. (2000, Spring). Family work. BYU Magazine.

       http://magazine.byu.edu/?act=view&a=151 

"The Family, A Proclamation to the World", (1995), retrieved at http://www.lds.org/family/proclamation/