Insights From a Few Articles...

• “Divorce”, Elder Dallin H Oaks, Ensign, May 2007, p. 70-73
  • Insight: When discussing marriage and divorce in dating, don’t focus on divorce. Before you get serious, make it clear that divorce is not an option. Don’t consider it. It is unnecessary in most cases.
    • Celestial marriage doesn’t contemplate divorce. (para. 11)
  • Insight: Don’t justify things in your relationship. Don’t justify improper behavior of any kind. Be forgiving. Move on. Focus on what you can control: yourself. Remember to improve yourself. Use the atonement. Consider the implications of every action in an eternal perspective.
    • “festering is destructive, forgiving is divine” (para. 22)
    • Justifications in divorce
      • Thinking their situation is different somehow from others.
      • Blaming the spouse’s behaviors.
      • Can’t move forward in the relationship.
      • Parents think it’s worse for the children to have fighting parents than divorced parents.
        • They could go through counseling though. They could change and use the atonement.
  • Insight: If I work to maintain these things now, I can make them stronger habits when I am married. We can be stronger, and prevent problems, rather than getting to the point where this is a healing thing.
    • How to save a marriage:
      • Mutual commitment to keep the commandments.
      • Stay active in church attendance
      • Scripture reading
      • Prayer
      • Work on their own shortcomings
      • Recognize the importance and power of the Atonement in each other’s lives.
      • Be patient-try again and again.
• “Receive the Temple Blessings”, Elder Richard G Scott, Ensign, May 1999, p. 25
  • Insight: The blessings of temple marriage, being sealed together by the powers of Heaven, far overpower any desire for sin. Remember that and let it be true. No act of love is complete without being approved of first by God. Don’t act like a married couple just because you want to be one. Be patient and wait for the right time in these things.
    • “Decide now to receive the ordinances of the temple at the appropriate time. Don’t let anything overcome that resolve.” (Para 1)
  • Insight: The interview for a temple recommend to be sealed is not supposed to be a scary test we are trying to pass. It is an opportunity to consult with the Lord on your preparedness and worthiness for temple marriage. It is a blessing. “Be honest and candid with them” (para. 2)
  • Insight: We help each other in the temple and along the journey of life. You have been blessed with wonderful friends for a reason. Serve one another.
    • “On your first visit, if possible, take an endowed member of your family or a close friend of your own gender to escort you.”
• “Falling Out of Love … and Climbing Back In”, Name Withheld, Ensign, Jan 2005, p.50–53
  • A good article to read. Good story. Good experience she had to learn from. Keep this in mind in the future.
  • Good people can fall in and out of love. The most important thing to remember is that you CAN fall back in love with someone you’ve lost that love for. You can. It takes work and healing, but with the Atonement, with God, all things are possible.
  • Don’t think divorce and/or suffering is the only options in a marriage that seems to have died. Prayerfully consider your options if you find yourself in this situation.
  • Christ can help us see others in His eyes. He can help us feel genuine and pure love, in all forms, for others. Especially for our eternal companions.

How to Date the Right Way

    I am so excited for this topic. I think we have all struggled with dating and relationships at times. Ask yourself these questions: Have you ever been on a date that never ended? How about a date that you were unprepared for? Have you ever been on a date where you both thought the other person was paying? What about hanging out? What's wrong with that? Hanging out won't help you discover and develop. It can often create a mirage of emotional intimacy, trust, understanding, and closeness, when in reality, the two people don't really know each others strengths, weaknesses, needs, etc. It can also cultivate early physical intimacy which should be reserved for after the people have built knowledge of each other, trust, reliance on each other, and commitment (RAM Commitment Model). Through Elder Dallin H Oaks, we learn a wonderful way to define and plan our dates.

They need to follow the 3 P's:

planned ahead

paid for

paired off

     Following these guidelines help make dating into a learning experience. It helps to prepare people for marriage. In class I discovered a brilliant connection to these principles in helping men of the priesthood prepare for their responsibility as fathers and husbands. Corresponding with each principle is Preside (Planned), Provide (Paid for), and Protect (Paired off). We learn to protect and watch out for the happiness of our dates as we're dating and paired off, thus we learn to do the same for our spouses. We learn to help create and support common goals as we plan dates together.     Creating goals and working toward them together is necessary for a successful marriage. We learn more effective communication styles as we plan together as well.  As a gentlemen takes the initiative to pay for a date he learns that he must manage his money and his ideas in a way to support another person's interests and needs along with his own.
     These learning principles are incredible  opportunities to grow and develop. And that doesn't even begin to cover the discovery process in dating. As we commit to more structure in casual dating (sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it!), we can plan dates based on what we want to learn about each other. It's also important to note that no one is perfect. We should also plan dates based on what we ourselves want to develop. Find a principle you want to find in your date or yourself, and plan a date with that person that will help you discover it.
     For example, if Cody and I are just getting to know each other and I want to learn about his patience and sensitivity, I could plan a date where we are exercising. He is in good shape and enjoys that kind of stuff. So if we go on a run or a bike ride, will he go ahead of me because I'm in bad shape? Or will he stay with me and encourage me to keep going? You see how this works? This particular date will show him some things about me too. Can I persevere when I'm exhausted? How do I handle big challenges? Do I complain a lot in difficulties? Can I have fun in a challenging situation?
    Isn't that incredible!? Dating is designed to help us grow, discover what we need and can't handle in a partner, and it helps us to develop healthy relationships. I encourage you to follow these patterns in your own dating. If you feel like there's a lack of balance in your relationship somewhere, plan a date accordingly. It's as easy as that! And never forget that all relationships take work. You can't expect a perfect relationship, even after you've made the ultimate commitment. Keep working hard and looking for the best in your relationship. Cultivate that love every day once you have it.

Resources

Elder Dallin H Oaks, Dating versus Hanging Out, Ensign, June 2006

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Everyone should read and follow the principles of the following document:

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The Family

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A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.
We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.



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Family Systems Model

This week we studied a few models of explaining family structures. I want to focus my analogy for my family using the Circumplex model. I’ve been really glad to find that my family is generally healthy when it comes to the Circumplex model. In the past I’d worried that we were chaoticly disengaged, in my own words of course. I thought it would be fun to figure out what kind of system my family might resemble.We've been told that families can be represented by mobiles (the baby things that turn over cribs). When you move one part of the mobile, the whole thing moves. You can't move one part in around the circle without moving every other part.

I felt like my family might be more independent than that. "Are we even a system?" I wondered at first. I thought maybe we're more like individual states in the US to make a whole.

Then, as I pondered our roles in the family, I thought of the perfect symbol to represent us. For now. A buffet! Each of us has something unique to offer one another. We need and want different things at different times, and we each represent different things at different times. For example, lately I often feel like I'm the salad bar. Because some people skip it over, especially the vegetables they don't like.Sometimes either of my sisters act like that ooey gooey cheese sauce. It's great stuff! But it doesn't go well with everything. It would be delicious on broccoli. But can you imagine putting liquid cheese on your ice cream?