Communication

Communication

Communication is one of the most important parts in the success of any couple. The way they communicate will determine their success. Communication style reflects a person’s patience, respect, humility, and many other things. Why is communication so important? People communicate both verbally and nonverbally through words, tone, body language, and other nonverbal cues. It happens all the time, whether you’re talking or not.

Channels of Communication:

   Words                14%

   Tone                   35%

+ Nonverbal         51%

                           100%

Phones, Email, and Skype

            Texting: Isn’t it funny that through text (email, cell phone, chat), a medium quite frequently used, we only receive 14% of the message you’d send if you were in person.

            Talking: Whether through voice chat or phone, we still miss 51% here (nonverbal).

Skype: Even though you’re receiving words and tone, and some nonverbal communication, it is skewed. The main problem is sending inaccurate nonverbal messages because of multitasking, lack of eye contact, and other distractions and technical problems.

Another thing to consider in communication is perspectives. Everyone has different experiences and ideas through which they filter and send communication (of all channels). It’s called encoding and decoding of language as a symbol (or means of communication). In sending messages, we go from our mind, to encoding through a medium (channel) to the person. Then they see it and decode (or interpret) using their ideas and feelings. And the cycle starts over.

Tools & Tips for Improving Communication:

·         Paraphrasing- when someone says something, paraphrase it back.

·         Asking questions- Make sure you understand what they’re saying.

·         Ask defining questions- people understand things differently. If you don’t understand what they mean, ask them to define a key word you think you misinterpreted.

·         Ask them to recode/rephrase the message if you didn’t understand.  

·         Validation- Encourage them to keep talking, that you understand what they're saying.

·         Reflective responding- Reword what they said as a question to make sure you understood.

·         Selfless decoding and encoding- Try to see things from their perspective. Don’t take things personally.

·         Be clear with each other- Don’t expect them to decode exactly the same way you do. Don't expect people to understand subtleties.

What are some other useful communication skills you've used?

Handlilng Family Trials

Handling Family Trials

Try the ABC/X Model.
A: Actual Event
B: Behavioral Response (through the whole event & repercussions)
C: Cognition
X: Total Experience

  A

  B

+   C    

 X

There are many factors that influence a total experience for any family event (good or bad). It's important for those trying to help, and for the family to understand the many factors that influence their experience.

Facts to Consider

Even past events influence the total experience in future events.
Responsibility & guilt are important parts of someone's thoughts or cognition.
Cognition changes throughout an experience.
People handle crises differently. They can come out above them or destroyed by them.

Benefits of the ABC/X Model

• You can see one factor, and recognize that there's probably another factor interacting with it.
• You can change one part and change the whole thing.
• You can understand any part and the whole thing better knowing there are many influencers.
• It will encourage everyone involved to take “response-ability”.
  When people recognize they can grow no matter the situation, they are taking responsibility. 
  
  
  

Approaching Sex Education for Your Family

Approaching Sex Education for Your Family*

Mistaken Approaches in Sex Ed for Kids

·         Telling them it's bad.

o   The problem with this is that it will create unhealthy understanding of it with their future spouse. It might also make them think you’re bad since they know you did it to make them.

·         Plumbing without the relationship

o   This is significant because if you teach them only about the act without the emotional consequences, you will not be teaching them its real value.

·         Make up names for parts.

o   It could make them think it's wrong to refer to the actual name.

o   Makes it embarrassing now and more so in the future.

·         Be explicit when you don’t have to.

o   Don’t give them information that doesn't help them or meet their needs.

o   If they ask a simple question, give them a simple answer.

·         Leave it to someone else

o   Don’t assume they're teaching what you want your children to understand.

·         Don't be embarrassed by it.

o   If you’re embarrassed about it they will feel embarrassed too.

·         Don't shut down if they already know.

o   If they say they already know, discuss that with them. Make sure they know the right things.

·         Don’t wait for them to ask.

o   They may never ask, but they need to know because they will deal with the feelings themselves and with others talking about it.

What and How do you teach then?

·         Boundaries & Relationships. Remember it is sacred, special and good. Teach that.

o   The real purpose and value of sex is to strengthen marriages and bring children into the world.

§  It is “to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration, and common purpose.” (True to the Faith)

·         Use proper terms when you talk to them.

·         Gain an eternal perspective.   

o   Teach them about marital relations after they understand gospel principles such as the purpose of life and family. The Plan of Salvation.

·         Teach together as husband and wife.

o   This way you support each other and make the child feel comfortable with talking to either of you.

·         Teach when they're ready, as you go.

o   Children at different ages need to know different things. Keep it simple for the younger ones, and teach them about the relationships and the details as they’re approaching puberty.

What should parents know?

·         They should know about each others bodies and not just their own.

·         Sex is about becoming one. It’s not just an act of passion like it might be before marriage. 

·         LDS Standards on Birth Control

·         Read Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments 

 

*Remember that each approach will have to be tailored to the individual child's needs.

Other Resources

"True to the Faith"

Teaching About Procreation and Chastity

President Kimball and Morality

Teaching Children: from Four to Eleven Years

Love...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only safe place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the perturbations of love is Hell.”

(C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

 

Starting off on the Right Foot

Did you know the average American Wedding costs around 21,000 dollars? That covers everything from the rings to the parking at the reception. Isn't that crazy? There could actually be some negative affects on the couple because of this expense. Let's break it down.
If the bride's family pays for the whole wedding at such a price tag, they will have made a huge investment into this couple? You'd think that's good. I mean, it shows they really support them, right? It's true, but when a couple gets married, it is to strengthen their relationship. Often times in these expensive wedding parents can become overly involved in the new couple's lives and try too much to influence it. A mom could drive her way into their relationship so the new bride turns to her mother to solve all their problems instead of working them out with her husband. Parents  are more likely to do this when they "invest" so much into the couple's wedding.
If a wedding and reception is to create and strengthen this new couple, what can they do to avoid having this event actually drive them apart in all the chaos?
Here are some tips I learned in class to help a couple and their wonderful families to come together the best way possible.

• For the Happy Couple:
• Always remember, this event is for you two. You need to decide on things together.
• You can't shut one another out on the planning. And you should both be aware of the amount of money you're spending. 
• To become married to to work constantly toward becoming one. You should be preparing for that commitment as much as possible. Don't hold anything back. (But don't do this too early either!) I just mean prepare for all your money to go together, your space, and your time. These are important resources you will soon share.
• Don't just plan the wedding together. You also need to be planning your marriage. 
• Remember: He didn't propose to you to plan an event, he proposed to you to share his life with you. 
• Don't go into debt for your wedding or reception or anything like it!
• For the Family
• Give them their space and time together in this process.
• Don't team up with one against the other. 
• Support their decisions. This is for them, not you. 
• Always love them!
• Be there for them, but don't let him or her turn to you when they should be talking to each other about problems. This could make things even harder for them. It could put an even more difficult strain on their relationship.

Insights From a Few Articles...

• “Divorce”, Elder Dallin H Oaks, Ensign, May 2007, p. 70-73
  • Insight: When discussing marriage and divorce in dating, don’t focus on divorce. Before you get serious, make it clear that divorce is not an option. Don’t consider it. It is unnecessary in most cases.
    • Celestial marriage doesn’t contemplate divorce. (para. 11)
  • Insight: Don’t justify things in your relationship. Don’t justify improper behavior of any kind. Be forgiving. Move on. Focus on what you can control: yourself. Remember to improve yourself. Use the atonement. Consider the implications of every action in an eternal perspective.
    • “festering is destructive, forgiving is divine” (para. 22)
    • Justifications in divorce
      • Thinking their situation is different somehow from others.
      • Blaming the spouse’s behaviors.
      • Can’t move forward in the relationship.
      • Parents think it’s worse for the children to have fighting parents than divorced parents.
        • They could go through counseling though. They could change and use the atonement.
  • Insight: If I work to maintain these things now, I can make them stronger habits when I am married. We can be stronger, and prevent problems, rather than getting to the point where this is a healing thing.
    • How to save a marriage:
      • Mutual commitment to keep the commandments.
      • Stay active in church attendance
      • Scripture reading
      • Prayer
      • Work on their own shortcomings
      • Recognize the importance and power of the Atonement in each other’s lives.
      • Be patient-try again and again.
• “Receive the Temple Blessings”, Elder Richard G Scott, Ensign, May 1999, p. 25
  • Insight: The blessings of temple marriage, being sealed together by the powers of Heaven, far overpower any desire for sin. Remember that and let it be true. No act of love is complete without being approved of first by God. Don’t act like a married couple just because you want to be one. Be patient and wait for the right time in these things.
    • “Decide now to receive the ordinances of the temple at the appropriate time. Don’t let anything overcome that resolve.” (Para 1)
  • Insight: The interview for a temple recommend to be sealed is not supposed to be a scary test we are trying to pass. It is an opportunity to consult with the Lord on your preparedness and worthiness for temple marriage. It is a blessing. “Be honest and candid with them” (para. 2)
  • Insight: We help each other in the temple and along the journey of life. You have been blessed with wonderful friends for a reason. Serve one another.
    • “On your first visit, if possible, take an endowed member of your family or a close friend of your own gender to escort you.”
• “Falling Out of Love … and Climbing Back In”, Name Withheld, Ensign, Jan 2005, p.50–53
  • A good article to read. Good story. Good experience she had to learn from. Keep this in mind in the future.
  • Good people can fall in and out of love. The most important thing to remember is that you CAN fall back in love with someone you’ve lost that love for. You can. It takes work and healing, but with the Atonement, with God, all things are possible.
  • Don’t think divorce and/or suffering is the only options in a marriage that seems to have died. Prayerfully consider your options if you find yourself in this situation.
  • Christ can help us see others in His eyes. He can help us feel genuine and pure love, in all forms, for others. Especially for our eternal companions.

How to Date the Right Way

    I am so excited for this topic. I think we have all struggled with dating and relationships at times. Ask yourself these questions: Have you ever been on a date that never ended? How about a date that you were unprepared for? Have you ever been on a date where you both thought the other person was paying? What about hanging out? What's wrong with that? Hanging out won't help you discover and develop. It can often create a mirage of emotional intimacy, trust, understanding, and closeness, when in reality, the two people don't really know each others strengths, weaknesses, needs, etc. It can also cultivate early physical intimacy which should be reserved for after the people have built knowledge of each other, trust, reliance on each other, and commitment (RAM Commitment Model). Through Elder Dallin H Oaks, we learn a wonderful way to define and plan our dates.

They need to follow the 3 P's:

planned ahead

paid for

paired off

     Following these guidelines help make dating into a learning experience. It helps to prepare people for marriage. In class I discovered a brilliant connection to these principles in helping men of the priesthood prepare for their responsibility as fathers and husbands. Corresponding with each principle is Preside (Planned), Provide (Paid for), and Protect (Paired off). We learn to protect and watch out for the happiness of our dates as we're dating and paired off, thus we learn to do the same for our spouses. We learn to help create and support common goals as we plan dates together.     Creating goals and working toward them together is necessary for a successful marriage. We learn more effective communication styles as we plan together as well.  As a gentlemen takes the initiative to pay for a date he learns that he must manage his money and his ideas in a way to support another person's interests and needs along with his own.
     These learning principles are incredible  opportunities to grow and develop. And that doesn't even begin to cover the discovery process in dating. As we commit to more structure in casual dating (sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it!), we can plan dates based on what we want to learn about each other. It's also important to note that no one is perfect. We should also plan dates based on what we ourselves want to develop. Find a principle you want to find in your date or yourself, and plan a date with that person that will help you discover it.
     For example, if Cody and I are just getting to know each other and I want to learn about his patience and sensitivity, I could plan a date where we are exercising. He is in good shape and enjoys that kind of stuff. So if we go on a run or a bike ride, will he go ahead of me because I'm in bad shape? Or will he stay with me and encourage me to keep going? You see how this works? This particular date will show him some things about me too. Can I persevere when I'm exhausted? How do I handle big challenges? Do I complain a lot in difficulties? Can I have fun in a challenging situation?
    Isn't that incredible!? Dating is designed to help us grow, discover what we need and can't handle in a partner, and it helps us to develop healthy relationships. I encourage you to follow these patterns in your own dating. If you feel like there's a lack of balance in your relationship somewhere, plan a date accordingly. It's as easy as that! And never forget that all relationships take work. You can't expect a perfect relationship, even after you've made the ultimate commitment. Keep working hard and looking for the best in your relationship. Cultivate that love every day once you have it.

Resources

Elder Dallin H Oaks, Dating versus Hanging Out, Ensign, June 2006